First or last?

People talk a lot about their first love, about how special and precious it is, and how one can’t fully forget it.
Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I always thought as a kid that my first love would be my last love as if somehow the universe would grant me the “one” from the very first time and that would be it.
Little did I know back then, and funny how my innocence fooled me, things usually never go that way. But it was nice to believe that it could.

I fell in love for the very first time at a young age, back when I was only 14. I know how crazy it sounds and how a lot of you are thinking right now “You can’t fall in love when you’re 14, you don’t know what love is at such age!” As much as I want to agree with you, I did fall in love at 14, and booooyyyy did I fall hard.

We met in the summertime, he knew an old friend of mine. He was 3 years older than me, so you can imagine that he was just a teeny tiny more mature than I was. And I know how cliché it is, but he had me at hello.
It was one of those “unexpected” things that take you by surprise so you just go with the flow, I like to believe that I did.
When we texted for the first time we stayed up all night, talking, texting and laughing. From the very first conversation, I knew I was hooked.
My first love lasted for 4 years. 4 LONG years. It was the kind of young love that was naïve enough to believe it could last.
It wasn’t always all rainbows and sunshine. It was hard; and just when I thought it couldn’t get any worst, it got even harder. However, I managed to keep the hope alive that someday things will work out in the end.

I got used to him always being there that it was really hard when he stopped.

My first love was at some point one-sided, and I still don’t know what sort of power I had to keep on fighting for someone who didn’t love me back. But I did. I still spend a lot of time being angry and bitter about the way things turned out.
First I was angry at him, for a really long time. I thought he was a coward for running away when he knew I was holding on and hurting. Then, I got angry at myself. I thought I did something wrong that kept him from loving me the way I wanted him to, I thought I was too much or just not enough. I thought about all the times we fought and wondered which one of those times drove him off.

I like to admit that I made a lot of mistakes trying to forget him. I looked for attention in empty people and I was left with even less than I had when I lost him. Regardless, he was always in the back of my mind. I was bitter and I wanted to get back at him, and I wanted him to know that at every given opportunity. Yet that wasn’t true, cause I thought of him every single day. He was the only person in the world who had my heart while it was whole.

But… No matter how bad it ended, he was the person who taught me patience, I was able to wait 4 years for something that ended up not happening, yet I had the strength to wait. After him, I learned how to be alone. I gave myself time. I needed time to be at peace with myself, my thoughts, and my feelings.

My first love may not have been my last, but it’s still one that I cherish and hold close to my heart. Despite its flaws, the mistakes, and all the pain, it was my FIRST love, and I believe that nothing can change that, or take it away.

2 thoughts on “First or last?

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  1. Our first loves are powerful events that always leaving a lasting impression, no matter how they turned out. We want to believe? We are naive and we trust in the fairytale. Well I am a hopeless romantic as well and I still believe in the fairytale.
    I had feelings just like you had. The sadness and the hurt, the anger and the disbelief, the blaming myself and believing there was surely something I did to blame for. But it wasn’t and it just wasn’t meant to be. Same with you my dear and it was nothing you did. Remember that true love conquers all, and while you were willing to put in the work, he wasn’t. It hurts of course but he also didn’t deserve you from that moment on as you do deserve much better. Only when you find yo it Prince Charming or better yet, he finds you, will you understand and appreciate the meaning of this statement.
    Much love to you ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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